I faked an abortion last night.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
