I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
