Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Holy sore nipples Batman
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
