I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
