Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
