Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
