Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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