clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
