I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
