I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
