hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
