New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
