So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
