Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
