Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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