I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
