pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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