Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
