theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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