Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
