I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
