I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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