btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
