I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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