hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
