I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
