Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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