why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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