I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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