hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
