a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
They took my balls.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
