You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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