My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
