I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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