Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
