I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
