Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
