Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
