I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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