he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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