Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
