Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
