I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
