You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
