I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
