oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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