the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
