This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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