I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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