I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
