Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
