Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
